My Stroke and the Sovereignty of God

Or, deciding not to waste my stroke

Apr 21, 2023

It happened in an evening in early February. My family was going to a meeting, and I was driving. Naomi (my wife) kept complaining that I was riding the right line. I didn’t think I was, but she was genuinely frightened (and rightfully so - this was on I-90 and the semis were out). I snapped at her.

In the meeting, I noticed that my voice sounded weird - like I was drunk. I felt like I was slurring my words. No one said anything, so I didn’t either.

The next morning, Naomi did notice. She noticed that my face was drooping on the right side. “I’m taking you to the ER,” she said. “I can’t,” I protested, “I have a full schedule at work today.” (Yes, I’m an idiot.)

At the ER, they had me in a CT scanner within minutes. And then came the confirmation, the words I dreaded, “You’ve had a stroke on the left side of your brain.”

I remember the thoughts going through my head. I had a weekend planned where I was going to work on my master’s thesis. My God, could I even finish my thesis? Could I do academic work? Could I do my job? How would I support my family? How bad was it?

I decided to think through my thesis so far - could I follow it in my head still? Yes, I could. OK, my intelligence seems to be intact. I thought through a recent work project. It’s all there. OK, maybe this isn’t so bad.

Now for communication? Does my mouth work? I tried to say the most difficult word I could think of. “Heilsgeschichte”, I said out loud. Sounded OK. Got a few glances from the nurses.

I tried typing on my laptop. Utter garbage. My right hand was misfiring all over the place. Not good.

Over the next month, I would learn what was affected by the stroke. And the answer is…not much. I was lucky. It was a mild stroke. Still there was weakness and discoordination (which my spell checker wants to turn into “disco ordination,” which is just awesome) on my right side. Physical therapy would take care of that. Typing was a chore, but was getting better with time. I have difficulty speaking - I can’t enunciate as well as I used to, and when I get tired I slur my words. And I have trouble locating words in my brain when I’m talking. And my voice is weak - there’s no power behind it. I sound breathy, not bold like I used to.

But my mind was intact. I could reason. I could think. I could remember facts. I could write. God had spared me the worst. I could work and support my family. I can walk, dress myself, care for myself. I was not an invalid.

Still, the talking troubles bothered me. I am a preacher and teacher by gifting - granted, on the sidelines, waiting for God to open a door. Had he closed that door permanently? Could I preach now if asked to? The thought of not being able to do what I loved and felt called to do threw me into a funk. If I can’t use my talents, then what use am I to the kingdom of God?

It was at this point that God gently reminded me of a few things:

1. If God is sovereign (and he surely is), then my disability (oh, I don’t like that word) was planned by him. This stroke was no accident. God engineered the damage in my brain and its extent, saying “this far and no farther.”

2. Paul suffered with some sort of physical malady (2 Cor. 13) that God declined to remove. I am not Paul’s superior. God is under no obligation to restore my speaking ability. If God’s grace was sufficient for Paul, surely it is sufficient for me.

3. The Kingdom of God doesn’t need me. God will accomplish his purpose with me unable to preach. (Indeed, he’s done a good job of it so far!) And God has used people more disabled than I am to proclaim the Gospel.

4. It is altogether possible that God has done this to make me trust in him and not my own abilities.

It’s been almost 3 months since the stroke, and I’m determined to (borrowing a phrase from John Piper) not waste my stroke. (Splitting infinitives is OK, though.) This was a wake-up call for me health-wise. I’ve made great progress over the last few months (with the help of my family and a great physical trainer). I’m down two pant sizes, I’m lighter than I’ve been since my 20’s, and I’m getting stronger. I’m registered to do the 12K Lilac Bloomsday run (a Spokane tradition) in a few weeks (though I’ll walk most of it). My blood sugar is under control. I’m healthier than I’ve been in a long, long time.

Except my voice.

I still struggle with finding the right word. My voice is still breathy, and occasionally cracks, so that I sound like a preteen boy. On the advice of my therapist, I went to a Toastmasters meeting last night. I think that’ll be good practice for me, but the problems are still there, and they showed. But like one kind lady told me afterwards, “I think you notice it more because you know what you used to be able to do. It doesn’t show as much to the rest of us.”

So I’ll keep working at it. Either God will heal me or he won’t, but I’ll work to be the best speaker I can be - with the constraints God has placed on me. I’ll lean on his grace. I won’t waste my stroke.

In the meantime, I can write. I’m finishing up my master’s thesis in the next few weeks, and if I can get past the oral defense, I’ll be done with my MTh. (It amazes me that 3 months after a stroke, I’m still able to finish my degree. God has been so gracious to me through this ordeal!)

And I going to start writing my thoughts here. Subscribe if you’re interested. Perhaps this is another way I can help serve the Kingdom of God.